Parenting a Strong-Willed Child: What I Wish I Had Known -

Sometimes the journey as a parent is unexpected, nonlinear; it defies expectations and the best of intentions, humbles us and brings us to our knees. Our strong-willed child is no longer strong-willed, but it took a good 5 years to get to where we are today.

This kid couldn’t be more precious. He truly is our very own little Ferdinand the Bull: sweet and affectionate, soft-hearted and compassionate, never competitive, moves at his own pace (which can feel somewhat sloth-like to the rest of us when we are hustling to get out the door while he pauses to watch potato bugs, pick out sparkly rocks, and literally sniff the roses that line our driveway. (At the heart of it, the real issue is normally more about our impatience and lack of preparation to get out the door on time than his actual need to move faster.) He loves to observe the world, to figure out how things work, and to soak up the beauty of nature.

Smart, innovative, and artistic since he was tiny, he has always been creating, inventing, and building from the raw materials around him.

His kindness, thoughtfulness and ability to feel for others make him a wonderful friend…he has one of those pudding-like hearts that you worry will get squashed in middle school.

An Easy Baby

He was my easiest baby, the only child who sat quietly in his carseat and just observed the world around him–always so content, rarely fussy or needy.

World-Changer

And then he became a toddler. Once he reached about 2 1/2, he was anything but easy. We were convinced he was going to be our strong-willed, difficult child…you know, the kind that well-meaning adults say things like “Well, isn’t he going to be a world changer…a real leader!” because from about 2 to 6, he was so darn challenging.

We called him our little Dennis the Menace…

Moments like this Desitin diaper cream incident had us cracking up.

And other moments left us frustrated and at a loss for how to parent him.

Simple Things Felt Hard

Normal things felt really hard. Getting dressed, putting on shoes, going from point A to point B without him getting completely zoned in on something along the way. If he found a sprinkler or a mud puddle on the way from the car to the playground, it was all over. We were going to have a huge battle to get him beyond those things and as a mom with three kids in tow, half the time I had to simply pick him up and carry him the rest of the way…not ideal as he grew.

He was obsessed with the tactile and mechanical things of life from sand to mud to Play-Doh, and from sprinklers to fans to helicopters. Noise and large groups of people could also be challenging. Entering family holidays that were loud and boisterous with lots of people was tricky or big birthdays with loud singing and music…I would look around at other mom’s kids and wonder why he wouldn’t just join in the game or get out of the car and go in the house or sit down at the table instead of insisting on standing on top of it. The daily battles were exhausting.

All the Books

I would try things I read in books about strong-willed children such as making him feel empowered by giving him good choices to pick from: “Would you like to sit on the bench with everyone or sit on the picnic blanket?” None of them helped very much.

Sensory Disorder?

We looked into sensory type issues and all kinds of other disorders, but couldn’t chalk up what we were struggling with to any one thing and because the areas he got stuck in didn’t really impede his ability to go to school, to learn, to make friends, etc., we didn’t see the need to try to categorize or jump to conclusions.

I was stumped because I was parenting him the same way I did my other two kiddos…it just wasn’t working. I was so convinced after raising two kids that if you did X and Y, you would get Z, but this one was proving me wrong. Being a mom to this little guy in the early days definitely took me down a few pegs in my parenting pride. I realized how different each child in one family can be.

He was the only kiddo that we didn’t homeschool for kindergarten, we popped him right into public school and held our breath on the first day waiting to hear what his teacher had to say. We were shocked to find out that minus whacking another child with his carpet square during PE, he had done great. The teacher reassured me that the child he whacked had, in fact, stolen the carpet square from him and zoomed it around the gym, so the reaction was somewhat understandable for a brand-new kindergartner. And that was the last incident he ever had at school.

Outgrowing the Challenges

It was like one day, we realized he simply wasn’t difficult anymore. He listened well, followed directions, didn’t constantly get distracted by moving things, and really couldn’t be lumped into the “strong-willed” child category anymore. I’m not sure what changed except that I think he outgrew some of the issues he had struggled with or perhaps certain underdeveloped areas matured?

Hope for the Weary Momma

If you are a momma who finds herself daily frustrated by your child’s actions or behavior and nothing seems to be working, here are a few things I have learned the hard way through what I felt convinced was my forever strong-willed child.

Do not sacrifice your relationship with your child for your own reputation. It’s easy as moms to handle something differently than we know we should because others are watching. We know our child best and we know in instances what may be setting them off. May we extend grace to our kids or discipline as we feel fits the situation, even when it might be misinterpreted.
Ask the Lord for patience, wisdom, and insight into your unique child–know that with Christ, all things are possible. Don’t give up on your child. Believe that change is possible and that sometimes they just need time or a few tools to help them mature or grow.
Seek the wisdom of those in their life–their preschool teacher, doctor, friend, grandparent. Sometimes those outside of the situation can see more clearly and help you put the puzzle pieces of your child together.
Strive to keep your emotions out of your parenting and discipline. Do not escalate with your child. Gentleness and love is always the very best diffuser than direct opposition. Power struggles are rarely fruitful.
Sometimes a child simply needs a hug and to know that you understand how they feel (even if it feels unreasonable to you).
Be okay getting the help your child needs. I know many moms who have had children who have simply outgrown childhood challenges, and others who have needed a little or a lot of extra help. Occupational therapy or other kind of intervention or resources can be life changing if your child is struggling in their daily roles and activities.
Find other moms who share similar circumstances; walking beside those on a similar journey can be a game-changer.
Take breaks. Sometimes the best thing you can do is take a break from a challenging child. If you have grandparents, ask for help. My parents used to take my little guy once a week to give our family a break from the daily stressors of this season. It has since passed, but we are forever grateful for the way they lightened the load on our relationships during a challenging season. They also built a really sweet bond with him during that time.

If you are struggling with a child right now, know that this particularly hard season will pass and that you are not alone in your struggle.

Looking for more parenting posts? Try Mother-Daughter Relationships: What I’m Learning.