Mother-Daughter Relationships: What I’m Learning

Time with Emma feels precious these days. Middle school is flying by and I know that her presence in our home is finite.

I have learned so much from being Emma’s mom. Mostly because she is naturally a more selfless human than me. She is and has always been more patient, quicker to forgive (and apologize), always giving of her time and possessions, and someone who is quicker to shine the light on others than to turn the spotlight on herself. 

I’ve found that a delicate balance exists between the teaching, training, coaching, and correcting; and the loving, listening, supporting, and encouraging a daughter. The core of what our teen girls need is a mom who loves her wholeheartedly for who she is–no performance or conditions necessary. Yet, our daughters still have so much to learn about life, relationships, hygiene, habits, etc, and it’s often our job as moms to teach them these life skills.

Being an enneagram 1 (I think of it as a “Reformer” rather than a “Perfectionist”), I am always looking to improve–myself, my home, my routines, my heart–to make better, to streamline, to simplify, to beautify. I’m also a fixer. If my child has a problem, watch out. I’m coming for ya.

But if I’m not careful, this need for creating order and beauty out of my world can bleed over into my relationship with my daughter and over time, leech away at the health of our relationship. I’ve come to believe that one of the most erosive ways to destroy a mother-daughter relationship is through a constant drip of correction.

Did you brush your hair this morning?
Did you practice the piano?
Is that the only top you have to wear with those?
Have you practiced your lines?
Played with your brothers?
Walked the dog?
If you don’t get a haircut soon, I’m going to cut it off in your sleep.  (ha! just kidding!)

If we aren’t careful, we can unknowingly critique, nitpick, and correct our way out of a relationship with our daughters. It can appear harmless in the form of joking or sarcasm; or maybe a subtle comment or an off-hand remark. But if the root message is “you do not measure up to my standards” or “you are not okay the way you are,” than sooner or later, regardless of our best intentions (and I believe as moms that we mean well!), if what they receive consistently, day after day, is a reminder that they are not who or what you want them to be, then this will begin to chip away at their hearts and at your relationship.

If we use each chance that we are with our daughters to correct, to train, to remind, to admonish than she will feel:

Not organized enough.
Not disciplined enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not smart enough.
Not stylish enough.
Not doing enough.
Not clean enough.
Not enough.

Could anything be further from the truth?

As moms, we want so badly for our girls to live into their potential–to create magic with the raw gifts that God has blessed them with. And those of us who are Christ-following moms, know that none of us measure up–not me, not you, not your daughter. We know that that is why we have a savior–so that each of us can rest in his work and not work so very hard to earn approval or worth.

We already know who and whose we are. So why don’t we treat our daughters in kind?

Maybe, as Moms, we need to examine our own hearts. Our own fears. Our own lack of trust in God’s plan for our girls. Our own need to fit in. Our own comparison to what “everyone” is doing, wearing, attending, seeing, behaving…

Maybe then we can release the tight grip we have over our girls’ lives. Maybe in untethering them from our expectations and entrapments we can place them back where they belong–in God’s hands.

And perhaps it is in that release that we allow them to soar.