Celebrating 16 Years: What I’ve Learned

Bright eyed and in love, I don’t think any couple knows what marriage has in store for them. For us, it should have been easy.

We met at the fair by the Zipper when I was just 16 years old. Tall, dark, and handsome, I was smitten, but more than that, he had a deep gentleness, a kind heart, a devotion that was captivating. The way he drove his car, the finesse when he played basketball, the mix tapes he made me. He was hard working, responsible, and loyal to a fault. Best of all, he loved Jesus.

What I didn’t know when I said “I do” is that we would spend the first decade of marriage on a journey to escape pain. Doctors appointments, physical therapy regimens, chiropractors, acupuncture, yoga, naturopaths, functional training, prayer meetings, injection after injection, laser therapy, diet protocols, essential oils, supplement protocols…

and finally experimental surgery. A surgery that would forever place limits on our life.

What I didn’t know is that you can choose each other, be in it for the long haul, love each other fiercely and it can still be so very hard. That all the love and good intention can’t make up for the realities of physical pain. I didn’t know I would need to choose him again and again when things got hard in those early years. That I would often feel alone during the difficult newborn and toddler season because many things are too hard to put into words and that even the best of friends can’t understand something they’ve never been through.

You are too young to have these symptoms they would say. We heard this over and over and over again.

I would choose him all over again, but not because it would be the path of ease.

Looking back over the past 16 years, I’m so grateful for where we are today…and I’m so thankful for the man that I married. He is the best husband and daddy a girl could ask for. I adore this man. If I had the option to go back to the beginning, I would choose now every time because we’ve been through so much. Where we are today is such a sweet place and we are stronger together because of what we’ve walked through.

I think every new couple thinks that love will sustain them through hard times, but as I’ve learned, it actually takes Jesus. If I could give advice to a newlywed, it would go something like this.

1 | Always put the Lord first.
This could be 1-10 because it is just that important. Spend time in God’s word daily. This will renew your mind when you get fearful, it will humble your heart when you need it, give you hope when you are feeling desperate or full of fear. It will strengthen you, remind you of what truly matters, and be a lighthouse in your marriage.

2 | Be Best Friends
Laugh together. Play together. Share everything–let him in to the interworkings of your heart. Dream, plan, and pray together. Connect every day.

3 | Expect Trials
You will go through hard times…weeks, months, even years. You will encounter times that feel impossible or like they will never end. Find a trusted confident with wise counsel and do not be alone in your struggle. Chances are good that you will hit a point where you feel like quitting. Especially through the early years of marriage and parenting, feeling this way is normal because there are so many stressors on your relationship, but studies have shown that if you can hang in there, your marriage will improve significantly in 5 years.

4 | Choose we over me.
We all love to be right, but it often comes at the expense of the people you love. Choose your husband over having your way…relationship over being right.

5 | Be quick to apologize and quick to forgive.

6 | Focus on their strengths
We all have really lovely qualities, and we all have annoying habits, unkempt parts, and quirks. If we want to be loved fully for who we are, then we have to do the same for our spouse. Comparison is toxic, thankfulness is life-giving. Choose life.

7 | Be the kind of spouse you would want
Serve one another. Do the little things. Be kind and considerate.

8 | Fight in love
Never raise your voice at each other. Make sure your words are constructive. Know that words cannot be unsaid and choose them wisely. Don’t argue when you are tired. Sometimes waiting for the next day is best.

9 | Give God your dreams
Most marriages grieve the loss of something. It may be fertility, adventure, travel, career, health, or what you were expecting life to be like that isn’t. Give your dreams to God–he has better plans for you than you could ever dream up for yourself.